Desolation Of Sanity
by horseyyay AKA Morgoth
Summary: A plane crashes in the Misty Mountains and Middle Earth as we know it will never be the same again. Add a few Asgardians and a super soldier to the already convoluted mix of randomness and watch chaos ensue. Sauron and Loki have issues with playing nice, Thor is an honourary dwarf and a whole new army starts to invade. Who will triumph over Middle Earth?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This could be fun... Very fun... Welcome! Yet another brain-child of mine. Which probably says a HELL of a lot about my brain :) Anyways... enjoy :) As ususal nothing is sacred and lore and any other details i want to ignore, have been... well, ignored :) This fic will be a mix of seriousness when necessary... like a lot of this chapter :) and then humour when not XD**

 **oh and i like making up words occasionally.**

 _ **Chapter 1**_

Saruman was hoping to find something interesting in the bottom of the Anduin. He really wasn't expecting the interesting he got. He didn't find it in the Anduin either... but it was a whole lot more exciting than what he did find there.

He had been digging around the Anduin in the hope of finding the Ring, which obviously, he didn't. He did however find a nice skeleton to hang on his wall, and a mithril fillet with a priceless gem in it. Among a couple of other things which he would keep, but they weren't exactly as important as the other two.

Then he journeyed to the Misty Mountains, intending to cross and visit... well, he didn't really know who or where, he just liked wandering around and spying on people.

He was having a fairly normal journey. There was snow, snow, more snow, some ice. And an avalanche. That could have been problematic but Saruman was a wizard. So it wasn't. Not really.

Once the snow had settled, all rocks had been sent spiralling into space and he had dusted the icing sugar-like substance off his snow-coloured robes, Saruman noticed something odd.

A rock poking up out of the snow. Only it wasn't made of rock.

Being a curious (nosy) wizard he began to dig. It didn't take long with magic and soon, he had an unearthed a plane.

Not that he knew it was a plane. To him it was a freaking huge, mysterious black thing. And he could get inside it. All the glass at the front was shattered so he just climbed in. He found all sorts of awesome, futuristic objects int here, but they hadn't exactly survived the impact.

Once Saruman had ripped his eyes away from the cool stuff he found a man dressed like a flag, and much, much more interestingly, a glowing, blue cube.

* * *

Steve Rogers woke up in a dark tower. With a creepy old dude in white robes staring at him. He closed his eyes and hoped he would wake up in a nice hospital next time.

He didn't. He still woke up with a creepy old dude staring at him.

"You have awoken. You slept for a very long time." The voice gave him the chills. It was dripping with ominous-ness.

"Where am I?" Steve sat up and stared around his cold, dark room, which looked more like a cell.

"The Tower of Orthanc."

"What country is that in?"

"Enedwaith."

Enedwaith was not a country on Earth. At least, not the Earth he knew. The man was obviously (hopefully) deranged. Steve dismissed it for now, mainly because he was getting worried and he really needed some protection.

"Where are my clothes? And my shield?" Steve looked around his cell for them, fruitlessly. He was already thinking that this was a cell, as opposed to a nice homey room.

"They are... safe." The old man began to pace."They are made of the most unusual materials."

"Can I have them back. Sir?" A few manners never hurt. Even if this whole thing did feel slightly like an interrogation.

"Of course. With the condition that I can study them further."

Steve did not like the calculating look in the old man's eyes. However he nodded. He would feel a hell of a lot safer with his shield.

"Follow." It was an order. Steve could do orders. Orders were familiar. He stood up on shaky legs and followed the old man out of the room.

Turns out the entire tower looked a lot like a dark prison.

He was lead to what was obviously the main room. In the centre was a pedestal, on which was a dark rock, with untold depths. But what really drew his attention was the newly constructed pedestal next to it. Upon it sat an all too familiar blue cube.

"The Tesseract." Steve breathed. Then he raised his voice, "Where did you get that?"

"The same place I found you. In a black machine, on a mountain. Far from here." The voice darkened at the last sentence, the threat barely veiled. Steve really wanted his shield now. "I wondered if you could... shed a little light on it. It is a very curious object."

"It is powerful. And you should have left it where you found it."

* * *

Steve had very little do. He wandered around the fairly expansive tower, threw his shield at things and was a little bit creeped out by a slimy guy wearing black who kept turning up every now and then. And he made fairly extensive use of the library. Turns out he wasn't actually on Earth anymore.

One day, they had a visitor. He was another old man, dressed in robes like Saruman. This one however wore grey. Steve watched from the window as they greeted each other warily and walked off into the gardens. He made his way to the pedestal room. Saruman would always return there and then he could ask him some questions. Like, when could he leave.

As he waited the Tesseract pulsed unnervingly. It wasn't normally so active, and it was making him nervous.

The two passed him some time later, seemingly oblivious to his presence, although the grey one cast the Tesseract a worried glance as they passed. They entered Saruman's study and began to talk. The voices were muffled by the thick door and Steve couldn't make out many words. He mainly heard 'Sauron' uttered in a dark tone.

Minutes later the grey one marched out. "A Palantir is a dangerous tool Saruman."

"Why? Why should we fear to use it." Saruman pulled the black covering off the orb.

Steve was having a feeling that this wasn't going to end well.

The grey one protested, looking worried as Saruman stalked around him. "They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing stones. We do not know who else may be watching!" He threw the black cloth back over the stone, jolting as his hand contacted it.

The Tesseract began to crackle with energy, sparks rising. Neither man seemed to notice it.

"The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The nine have left Minas Morgul." This was like a different language, although Steve had a pretty good feeling that Sauron was not a good guy.

Fear crossed the grey one's face as he echoed. "The nine..."

"They crossed the River Isen on midsummer's eve, disguised as riders in black." There was a tiny note of triumph in Saruman's tone. Steve's eyes flickered between him and the Tesseract which was beginning to spin ominously. He didn't know which to watch. He was getting another bad feeling, probably because of the signs pointing to Saruman probably being evil.

"They've reached the Shire!?"

"They will find the Ring. And kill the one who carries it."

The grey man muttered a name in worry and turned to run.

The doors slammed in front of him slammed closed, causing Steve to jump out of his skin. The grey man turned to use the other exits, and one by one they all closed.

"You did not seriously think that a hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron."

Steve hefted his shield. Things were about to turn ugly. The only thing that stopped him from acting was a huge lack of knowledge of everything that was going on. He would have had more chance of understanding if they had been speaking in German. At least he knew some words in German... even if they did mainly consist of 'No' and 'Run' and 'agghhhh;

"There are none who can. Against the power of Mordor there can be no victory." As Saruman spoke, the grey one turned to him in disbelief and horror. "We must join with him, Gandalf." Steve could suddenly assign a name to a face. That was good, grey man was a little vague for a permanent name. "We must join with Sauron. It would be wise my friend." Saruman was getting crepeier by the second.

Gandalf steeled himself and almost spat in anger " Tell me, friend. When did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness!"

Saruman glared then pointed his staff at Gandalf who was thrown violently at the nearest wall, crumpling to a heap at the bottom of it. Gandalf then returned the favour, flipping Saruman over so his skull cracked against the floor hideously.

Wizards. They were both wizards. That was the only logical solution Steve could come up with. It was not one he particularly liked.

As the wizards traded increasingly violent air flips and random tosses across the room, and Steve looked for an opportune moment to help Gandalf, a portal began to open in the corner of the room.

They only noticed it when a huge, stream of blue fire erupted from the Tesseract and coalesced in a large blob.

The wizards stopped their violence to stare at it from positions of great discomfort on the floor. The flames turned into blue smoke, which in turn dissipated to reveal a smirking man, dressed in green and black leather, grasping a glowing sceptre.

Now he could NOT be good news. So Steve lobbed his shield at him and received a shot of blue energy to the chest for his effort.

Before anyone could react the man leapt forwards, placing one hand on the Tesseract and the other on the Palantir. And he disappeared.

* * *

Loki's eyes immediately lit on the Tesseract. And the epic looking orb next to it. He ducked a flying shield which came his way and sent a shot of blue energy in the general direction of its source, whilst leaping forwards to grab the Tesseract. And that orb. Might as well take them both. This was going to be a walk in the park.

As his hand contacted the orb and Tesseract a burning eye filled his mind as he was wrenched through space.

He was thrown onto a cold floor, sprawled unceremoniously across it, groaning. Mental note. Do not grab the Tesseract and random unknown orbs at the same time.

"Who the actual hell are you."

Loki looked up to see a man with burning eyes staring down at him.

 **A/N: Hope you liked and please leave a review to tell me what you think! Concrit appreciated :) P.S lots more humour next chap... I mean loki and Sauron are in the same ROOM! *excited squeals***


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for all who reviewed, favourited and followed :) i think i replied to all of the reviews XD**

 **LOTRC: XD *casually ignores tower falling down next to me* AHAAHAAA :P glad ya liked it XD :) your review basically made me die laughing :P**

 **F** **or the amount you review... you seriously need to get an account XD well i will update around once a week, and I will poke you via the return anyway XD**

 **Chapter 2**

"Who the actual hell are you?"

Loki stared at the man with burning eyes for a second before gracefully rising to his feet and dusting himself off. As he did so the man sat down on an ornate throne and Loki realised he had been lying at his feet. That was humiliating. Then he composed himself and smirked slightly. Time to subdue the first subject of this puny planet.

"I am Loki, of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose."

This did not have the desired effect. The recipient was meant to be terrified by Loki's awesomeness. Instead, he laughed hysterically.

"That... that is BRILLIANT!" He gasped. "I have to get myself an introduction like that! I'm Sauron by the way. Why are you here?"

Loki stared at Sauron with an expression of horror and disbelief. This was not going well. He abandoned the rest of his fabulous speech about freedom. "I'm here to take over this planet. I have been given an army by Thanos, and in return I give him the Tesseract." Loki gestured at the glowing blue cube.

Sauron grinned and tapped his fingers in a pyramid on evil contemplation. "Nice plan... Only, this is MY planet to take over. And I also have a very big army."

Silence fell for a second. "You will kneel before me." Loki threatened. He was improvising now. He was normally quite good at this but... the past few months had been a little stressful, what with the whole finding out he was a Jotun, then his brother throwing him into a void and all that jazz.

"Well that's not very nice now is it."

"KNEEL!" Loki slammed the sceptre into the floor causing a miniature earthquake. Sauron just lounged on his throne smiling as the entire building quaked. Once it had stopped Loki stepped forwards. He just wanted to stab this guy and be done with it. Wipe that smile off his face.

Sauron's smile widened and he flicked his finger. Loki suddenly found himself face-planting the floor. He growled angrily and clenched his fists as he stood up, toppling the throne and Sauron backwards in a crash.

"Oh you so did not touch my THRONE!" This was accompanied by a fireball. Loki's hair got singed as he threw himself to the floor to dodge it, sending a flash of blue back at Sauron.

The two continued to throw fireballs and blue light and toss each other across the room, growling and cursing, until Sauron was accidentally thrown against a seemingly random pillar in the corner of the room. Something went crunch as he did so.

With a huge groan half of the floor raised into the ceiling leaving pillars topped with coloured spots of glass in an ocean of fire.

Sauron, at the opposite end of the room to Loki, began to laugh maniacally as he saw what was happening. "This is going to be brilliant!"

"What is this." It couldn't be good.

"TWISTER!"

"That means nothing to me."

"Its a great game! I watch my least favourite servants try to cross! You have to be touching four different coloured spots at one time, and can only move when the voice tells you to! I make them race. The slowest is fed to the volcano!" Sauron gestured ecstatically at the floor. "I'd turn it off as I think we could work together but... I didn't put an off button in... so you have to cross!"

"Or die trying?" Loki finished.

The grin widened further in response.

"How delightful."

Before Loki could try and get out of this a huge gravelly voice echoed round the room. "BLUE!"

"Step on a blue spot! Quickly... the rock you are standing on heats up so you can't return!" Loki leapt onto the nearest blue spot, wondering what hell he had wandered into.

"RED!" Loki went to leap onto the nearest red spot, trying to circumvent the rules, and nearly got his eyebrows demolished by fire as one foot stayed glued to the platform and almost sent him plummeting into fire.

Sauron waggled his finger. "Naughty naughty!"

Loki growled in frustration, as all the incorrect colour spots he was touching started to burn. He ended up with his feet on the blue spot, and his hands on the red.

"YELLOW"

That was easy, the yellow spot was near him. A hand moved.

"GREEN" Loki spied the nearest green, it wasn't in a convenient place. He groaned as he contorted his body so his one foot was now on the red spot, so a free hand could stretch out and touch the green.

"YELLOW" Loki almost screamed in frustration. Why couldn't the spot be NEAR him!

Meanwhile, Sauron had righted his throne and was now lounging in it dying with laughter.

* * *

 **Meanwhile in Orthanc**

Steve and Gandalf shivered on the top of Orthanc.

Saruman had been the first to recover after Loki had made his brief appearance, and had begun to throw Gandalf to the roof. Steve had then thrown his shield at Saruman. He was getting a feeling that Saruman was not a nice guy.

So Saruman threw him on the roof too.

"Who are you?" Gandalf inquired, after whispering something to a moth. That would have raised Steve's eyebrows but... he'd just seen two old men throw each other across a room by pointing their walking sticks at each other so he was pretty much desensitised by this point.

"Steve Rogers, Sir." He almost said Captain America but figured that wasn't going to mean much to Gandalf.

"Why were you staying with Saruman?" He was one suspicious wizard.

"I don't know. He mentioned something about finding me... frozen in the mountains, and he brought me here. This is the first time I've been outside in a long time."

Gandalf grumbled in reply, lit a pipe and pulled his cloak closer, deep in thought. Steve guessed that was the end of their conversation.

And there they waited. For several days. They could see Saruman ripping down the surrounding forests to feed fires in the earth below. He dammed the river so it didn't interrupt his evil plans.

Gnadalf spoke little, preoccupied with other things. Like how Frodo was doing, and worrying about not meeting him. Steve didn't know that. He didn't even know Frodo existed.

"Who is Sauron?" Steve inquired. He had been turning it over in his mind and decided that this was someone he needed to know about.

Gandalf spluttered, a huge smoke ring billowing out. Steve briefly wondered if he was high and therefore incapable of answering.

"The Dark Lord Sauron. The second greatest enemy of our time." This was a doom-laden pronouncement. "The most trusted lieutenant of Morgoth, he wishes to dominate the wills and minds of all life."

"Sounds like a guy I used to know..." Steve muttered.

Gandalf peered at him suspiciously.

"Before I came here. He's dead now."

The wizard began to puff on his pipe again. "At the start of the second age he began his campaign. He built an army of foul creatures and men. He created the Rings of Power to enslave the people of Middle Earth. Nine he gave to men, seven to the dwarf lords and three to the elves. Men fell under his sway, but the dwarves and elves resisted. Three thousand years ago he was defeated. But the One Ring, with which he controlled the others, was lost. So now he has returned."

Steve thanked God that he had been reading some of the books in Saruman's library. He knew what elves and dwarves were and he had heard briefly heard of Morgoth but many of the books had been damaged so it was a little... confusing.

Gandalf sensed his slight confusion. "Where are you from?"

"Not round here. We don't have elves or dwarves... or magic." This was going to be the culture shock of the century.

Gandalf sighed.

"I have spent a while reading in Saruman's library... he had an extensive collection of books in his library. Old books, but I had little to do. The history was... confusing but I grasp the basics."

"That makes it easier. This might be less of a shock." And with that, Gandalf jumped off the tower. Steve's eyes widened. Then an eagle soared into the air with Gandalf on its back.

Steve whistled. "That is one big eagle..."

Another soared around the tower and Steve ran and leapt on his back, keeping a tight grip on his shield as he did so. No way was he staying there with that old creep Saruman.

* * *

Loki collapsed on the floor with a groan and once again found himself staring into those burning eyes.

"Well done! You are the first person to actually survive!"

"You are completely crazy..."

"I think we've got off to a bad start!" Sauron stuck out his hand to help Loki up. "Hi, I'm Sauron."

Loki took the proffered hand hoping that it wouldn't drop it. "Loki."

"So... I hear you want to take over this world. Fancy a hand?" Sauron did his best imitation of a sweet smile and Loki sighed in defeat.

 **A/N: Reviews are treasured :) concrit is appreciated :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Well i got a little distracted... i keep writing events that will happen a lot later on in this fic and keep forgetting about they stuff which I have to write at the moment XD and then fanfcition lost the entire chapter because of a connection error... i got pissed off and refused to write it... :) sorry this is so late... and this is brought to you by the power of me dictating to my laptop because I am too lazy to type XD**

 **Chapter 3**

The eagles dropped them off in a country called Rohan, outside a town which Gandalf named Edoras. Steve identified a definite horse theme. The first thing they did was walk up to the hall on the top of the hill.

Gandalf made Steve wait outside the hall while he tried to gain entrance. That did not go well. Gandalf returned muttering mutinously. Steve was little scared of him and decided it would be best not to ask.

That night they stayed in a dark and dingy inn. The food was of questionable origin. It was meant to be beef stew but looked more like dog. And the vegetables... Well Steve had to question whether they were vegetables at all.

At least he'd had good food at Orthanc. Roast chicken, fish, actual beef stew... It had almost been like eating at home. The one thing that spoiled that was the lack of anything to drink that wasn't alcoholic. Not that he didn't like alcohol... but waking up and drinking wine with breakfast took a little getting used to.

They didn't even have wine in the tavern. Just frothy ale.

Steve thought that the food was bad. Once he managed to escape the taproom to his room it turned out that the bed was worse.

* * *

Loki, on the other hand, was rather surprised at the comforts Barad Dur had to offer.

He had been given a room near his host (he could occasionally hear mini explosions from some temper tantrum). The one meal he had had was a banquet fit for a king. He'd had to share it with Sauron and what he guessed were some high up servants, much to his disgust... he didn't enjoy sharing.

The fact that his meals were cooked by orcs was also a little disturbing. Those creatures were rather too fond of poison for him to feel safe eating meals cooked by them.

But his bed was of the finest quality... if he wasn't interested in taking over the word he could have spent the rest of his life just lying there, staring at the black ceiling and pretending there were stars above him. But... world domination was slightly further up his priority list.

His only dispute was with the interior design. Everything had a very strong theme of black with red detailing. And green lamps. Which was awesome... but, he had spent most of his life growing up with gold around and his new home was the polar opposite... plus it reminded him of his time floating round a void with Thanos. Not fun.

* * *

The next morning after the cold, burnt excuse for toast that had masqueraded as breakfast, and of course some more ale, they trekked back up to the hall. This time Gandalf and the door man had a heated discussion.

Once again he was turned away and returned to Steve with a thunderous look on his face.

"Come." He ordered, tersely. Steve followed him to the stables where Gandalf began to inspect all of the horses. Steve liked the look of all of them but Gandalf had other ideas. His eyes lit upon a magnificent grey stallion and for the first time in days, he smiled. "That one!"

Gandalf turned to face Steve. "He is a king amongst horses." Then his brow furrowed as he looked at Steve for the first time since they left Orthanc.

"We need to get you some proper clothes." Gandalf announced.

Steve wasn't going to argue, what he was currently wearing was a glorified pair of pajamas. Except his pajamas were comfier. And better quality.

Once he was outfitted in leather and mail, complete with sword, they made their way up back to the inn, much to Steve's despair. They (unfortunately)spent the rest of the day and night there.

They once again returned to the top of the damned hill the next morning. And Gandalf was finally granted an audience with the King.

He didn't really emerge any happier than the previous times and he swept past Steve like a hurricane. Steve didn't have to be told to follow.

"He is a fool." Gandalf muttered. "But he has allowed us to take horses so not all is lost."

"I've never ridden a horse before." Steve thought that this might be a good time to mention that.

Gandalf looked at him in despair.

"I'm sure I will catch on." How hard could it be.

Gandalf threw him a couple of saddle bags of supplies.

"Make for the Gap of Rohan. Then turn north to Rivendell. Look for the white stones, they will lead you to the hidden valley. I should see you there. Avoid Isengard." The old wizard vaulted onto his king amongst horses and sped out of the stables.

Steve stared around at the multitude of beasts around him. He had no idea what was a good horse and a bad horse, or any idea how to tack one up. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a currently unattended horse who looked pretty much ready to go. Well it had a bridle and a saddle so Steve assumed it was ready. Feeling the tinsiest bit guilty he slipped into its stall, haphazardly tied on his saddle bags and heaved himself on top.

Then he left Edoras, wobbling slightly. He thought it might be safer if he walked...

* * *

"Good morning my new friend!" Sauron bounded into Loki's room making him groan with despair. Sauron had no concept of personal space. "We are going to see my ARMY!"

"Yay?" Sauron was already out of the door. Loki supposed that he would be back at some point...

He didn't come back. He sent some annoying orc servant who led him to the bottom of the tower. Where he was then made to wait. In his boredom, he decided to possess that servant. Then at least there would be one being that wouldn't posion him. Plus it was fun playing with their minds and it would take his mind off all the ominous marching sounds from outside.

Sauron bounced down the stairs. He had far too much energy. He gave Loki a grin and indicated for the doors to be opened.

Sauron's army was freaking huge. Loki wasn't actually sure whose was bigger. He also noticed that they weren't actually at the bottom of the tower. They were still halfway up to give them a perfect view of the millions of orcs stretching into the distance in every direction.

"That is a big army..."

"I know! There is actually no way I could lose this time!"

Loki raised an eyebrow. There was always a way to lose.

Sauron rolled his eyes in response. "I'll show you my plan."

They turned and left the balcony, Loki's new servant trailing after him.

"Leave us." Sauron barked at it. It just carried on walking. Sauron turned on it like a viper, a fiery viper. His hands were literally on fire. He stretched them out, grasping the things head.

Loki was sure he was going to witness a hideous murder.

Then Sauron blinked and stopped. "Why are your eyes blue? Orcs don't have blue eyes. I know that blue." He looked at Loki's sceptre and then back at the eyes. "You've done something to him." The burning anger turned on Loki.

"Yes. I took a servant for my own."

"You do NOT take MY servants! Don't make me make you play Twister again! Let him go!" The last bit would have been vaguely petulant... if the being saying it hadn't been on fire.

The two had an ickle power struggle staring match for a second.

"Ok... I have no desire to play Twister again." Loki gave in... only because he had suddenly come up with a far better plan.

Sauron smiled and everything was sunshine, lollipops and rainbows again. "Yay. I don't like hurting my friends."

"You have some serious emotional issues."

* * *

Sauron swaggered into his throne room to find Loki poring over his battle plans. He had been at it for days and Sauron also had some serious attention issues. Several orcs had found their final resting place in the fiery belly of Twister while he was waiting.

"This is a terrible plan!" Loki finally summarised.

"What?"

"Overwhelming the enemy with vast numbers is good. As is getting a stronghold on the river." Loki took a deep breath. Telling Sauron he was wrong may not be the safest thing he could be doing. "But... you are completely ignoring these other men in Rohan, and are you just hoping that these people from Rivendell are juts going to... not turn up? Also... most of your army is here... you might need a few more to attack that Lothlorien and Mirkwood place."

Surprisingly, Sauron didn't eat him alive. He nodded. "I can send some orcs over is a very good idea. I wouldn't worry about Rohan. Saruman the evil wizard has got that covered. He's possessing him."

"Good. Can you trust this Saruman?"

"Oh no. He's a power-hungry double-crossing bastard." Saujron said this far too joyfully.

Loki sighed. "The other thing is... you are leaving this entrance to Mordor completely unguarded."

"There's Shelob there."

"Shelob?"

"Giant spider who eats everything."

This place just got weirder and weirder. "Uhuh... well a giant spider isn't going to be much good if a lot of people come though there so maybe put a lot of orcs at that tower? And... because you've circled it and written danger area, maybe its a good idea to put a load of guards next to the Crack of Doom?"

Sauron nodded. "See this is why I need an intelligent ally. To make my plans better."

Loki could think of other reasons why a saner ally might be needed but these were opinions who was going to keep to himself. "One final question... What is this Ring and why do you want it back so much?"

Sauron stared at him with wide eyes. "It contains a piece of my soul." This was delivered in a tone that made this sound like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Loki closed his eyes in astonishment. "You put a piece of your soul into a ring. And then LOST the ring."

"It was stolen! Someone cut off my finger!" Sauron waved the offending appendage. Or lack thereof.

"Why was your soul in a ring!"

"So I could use all the other magic rings connected to it to corrupt the different races of Middle Earth. It worked! The nine kings of men fell to me. The dwarves didn't fall but now have this incurable lust for gold and other precious metals and rocks which renders them fairly useless when it comes to alliances. I just couldn't get through to the elves."

"That is such a convoluted plan."

"Yeah... and the ring is kind of a demon bitch from hell... I only want her back so I can remove my soul and then throw her into the Crack Of Doom... which incidentally, is the only place she can be destroyed. But if she goes in while my soul is still in there... dead me."

"You definitely need some guards around there."

"No one would be stupid enough to try and walk through Mordor to destroy her if they found her!" This was accompanied by a derisive snort.

"Yeah they would."

"I always underestimate people." Sauron sighed, mournfully. After a moment of silence he suddenly asked. "How do you do that possession thing you did to my servant?" That came out of nowhere... then again Loki was getting used to it... a lot of things around Sauron just appeared out of nowhere.

"I thought you had forgotten about that..." Loki grasped his sceptre.

"I never forget."

"Would you like a demonstration." Loki couldn't stop his evil grin. Things were turning his way.

"Yeah!"

Quiock as a striking snake, Loki lifted the sceptre and tapped it against Sauron's chest.

Stunned silence fell.

"Well that was anticlimatic..."

Loki glared at his sceptre. Why oh why did it have to stop working now!

"Did you just try to mind control me?" The realisation struck and Sauron cried indignantly.

Loki tapped his chest again.

"I should probably kill you for this..."

Loki tried again, a little desperately this time. He was envisioning his own painful death and he prodded a little too hard.

"Ow... Thats surprisingly spiky."

"RAAAARGGH" Loki growled and tossed the sceptre across the throne room in frustration. Why wouldn't the damned thing work! He was so caught up in his frustration he didn't notice the skitter of claws across the throne room. Or the distinct lack of being burnt to death by Sauron.

He was jolted out of his reverie by a large glob of drool hitting his boot.

"What in the..." He looked up to see a large, slobbering werewolf with burning eyes clutching his sceptre between his jaws. Loki looked sideways at Sauron for clarification. But he was gone.

Loki looked back at the dog/wolf thingy. He blinked. Those eyes were rather familiar.

Then it clicked and his evil smile returned. "Good doggie." He couldn't have been more patronising if he had tried.

Sauron was back, depositing a drool covered sceptre in Loki's hands. "I am not a DOG!" He growled meancingly.

Loki threw the sceptre again.

"I will rip out your bones!" The growl would have been menacing if Sauron's large tongue hadn't been lolling happily and his tail waving like a flag.

 **A/N: Reviews are treasured! I will try and update quicker next time XD**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: congratulations to LOTCR who finally got an account!**

 **For those who asked for an explanation to the werewolf Sauron... well he shape-shifted into a werewolf to fight huan so... i figured that in my world he could still do it... plus it was too good an opportunity to miss**

 _ **Chapter 4**_

Sauron lounged in his throne, legs over one arm and head over the other. "So.. let me get this straight... this guy Thanos lent you that super powerful sceptre, and an army, so you could regain this Tesseract thingy, give it to him, and take over this planet as your reward?"

"Yes." Loki grumbled, annoyed at being reminded that he had to give his sceptre back.

"Why does he want it?"

Loki shrugged. He hadn't asked about specifics. Void trauma and all that jazz.

"You do realise that they are the same. Different but the same."

"What!?" Sauron wasn't exactly sharing his thought train here.

"The Tesseract and that mind-possessing sceptre. They are essentially the same."

"Why? How do you know that? How..."

"I'm good with stuff like that... Stones, anything that can be worked into metal. But I don't know what they are, but this Thanos is probably collecting them, assuming that there are more than one."

Loki didn't know what to be more shocked by, the fact that Sauron was actually making logical sense for a while or the fact that he had figured that out before him.

He paused for a moment, actually thinking about them for the first time, connecting the dots. Sauron could almost hear the snick as everything fell into place. "Infinity stones" Loki breathed, eyes gleaming.

"Infinity stones?" All that ran through Sauron's head was utter blankness.

"We were told stories about them as children. Before creation, there were six singularities. Then the universe exploded into existence and the remnants of these singularities were forged into concentrated ingots, each with its own... quality." Loki unconciously did an evil finger pyramid of contemplation. "They are the infinity stones, and with them, one has the power of gods." The last words were uttered reverantly and both Loki's and Sauron's eyes were staring at their two infinity stones with a fanatical gleam.

"How many of them are there?" Sauron licked his lips.

"Six, if the stories are true. Mind, Power, Soul, Space, Time and Reality. If someone wields all of them, they rule the universe. They can mow down civilisations like wheat in a field and they can change the stars."

Silence fell for a moment before both Sauron and Loki shared equal looks of wary fanaticism and lunged for the Tesseract.

* * *

Having absolutely no idea where the Gap of Rohan was Steve made a logical guess and headed for the big gap in the mountains. Thankfully he was right. Once Isengard had been successfully dodged he turned north, following the mountains as instructed.

He journeyed for quite a long time... he got bored of counting the days.

One dusk, Steve saw a blinking campfire ahead. Being slightly lonely by this point, Steve decided to investigate. Once he could see the huddled shape of a person he stopped his horse and dismounted.

The figure then noticed him and stood up, drawing his sword. "Who goes there!"

"A fellow traveler." Steve walked forwards slowly. "A lonely traveller. Who's probably very lost."

"Then we are in the same boat." The man lowered his sword, eyeing Steve warily. "My name is Boromir, of Gondor."

"Steve Rogers" The two soldiers nodded at each other and Steve took this as acceptance of his presence, tying his horse to the nearest tree, bush thing.

"I have very little food left to offer you, but you are welcome to share my fire." Boromir gestured at the very clean looking bones of some small mammal which were deposited by the fire.

Steve shrugged. "Thanks. I ate the last of the food this morning..."

"I have set snares but there are few animals in this wild country. Where do you hail from?" Steve was already warming to this guy.

"Originally. Not round here? But I come from Rohan, with instructions to journey to a place named Rivendell."

"Rivendell!" Boromir's eyes lit up. "I too search for the hidden valley. I have been wandering for months, following tales and whispers."

"I was told to follow the white rocks."

* * *

Sauron grabbed the Tesseract first and leapt away from Loki's reach. "Now, now. This alliance only works if we work together. You having both these infinity stones would make this too one-sided."

The two were as taut as bowstrings as they eyed each other warily. Thats the thing when you have two world-dominating god-like beings attempting to form an alliance, you can never quite trust your friend not to try and mind control you or fry you to a crisp.

Loki narrowed his eyes at Sauron as he started to casually toss the Tesseract from hand to hand, a mischievous grin beginning to spread across his face. "So... where are the rest of these delightful objects?"

"No-one knows." Loki was still on his guard, waiting for a fireball, or some trick.

The smile widened further and the mood lightened. "Now that is a tremendous shame... I think I will put this one in my mace."

Apparently Loki wasn't going to be returning the Tesseract to Thanos.

* * *

They were taking it in turns to ride the horse. Boromir was rather footsore to say the least.

They both got rather enthusiastic when they saw the first white rock. That was until an ominous howl sounded from behind them and Boromir cursed.

"What is it?" Steve tensed, wishing he had a gun instead of a sword.

"Warg pack. We must run. That mound over there. We shall have the high ground at least." Boromir held out his hand to pull Steve onto the horse, his expression indicating that they were probably going to die.

"I'll run thanks. I can barely walk on that thing, let alone gallop."

"You do not stand a chance on foot. I will not leave a friend to die." Friend's already, that was comforting.

"You won't have to." Steve began to sprint, and Boromir kicked his horse into a canter, then flat-out gallop, eyes bugging as he realised just how fast Steve was running.

When they reached the mound Boromir leapt off the horse, eyes flashing wildly. "What are you?"

Steve was too out of breath to reply and just pointed at the warg pack pounding towards them.

The howling was eerie and full of hunger and the trembling horse panicked, bolting for home.

Luckily for the horse the wargs didn't want to eat it. Unluckily for Steve and Boromir, they did want to eat them.

"I hope you can use that sword." Boromir asked Steve hopefully.

Steve drew the object. "First time for everything."

Boromir's heart sank.

Steve unslung his shield. Time to see if warg fangs could pierce vibranium.

The wargs began to surround the mound, eyeing the blades of the two soldiers warily.

"Nice shield" Boromir murmured, unslinging his own.

"Should have seen the armour." Steve muttered breathlessly.

There was a momentary pause as hot, yellow eyes burned into them. They stared back, waiting for them to pounce. It was almost romantic. Steve decided to spoil the moment by throwing his shield.

It ricocheted off two warg skulls, cracking them like eggs.

That was the cue for everything to leap into action. The world became a frenzy of slashing and hacking and snarling.

Steve quickly dropped his sword, finding it much easier to punch skulls in. Boromir murdered anything within reach, lopping off ears and paws and tails and heads left right and centre and stabbing hearts everywhere in between.

A warg leapt for Boromir's unprotected back and Steve intercepted it, ripping its lower jaw off. Boromir turned just in time to get sprayed with blood. "Thanks!"

"No problem!" Steve grunted, already cracking another's ribs. Boromir then got a warg stuck on his sword and used it as a club. It eventually disintegrated, body parts flying everywhere.

All of a sudden Steve was ripping a leg off the last one while Boromir stabbed it through the face. That was more than enough to dispose of it and the two stared around at the devastation of blood and dismembered body parts around them.

"We make a good team." Steve stated. It was almost like the old times, smashing his way through HYDRA forces. Although that had felt a lot more dangerous.

Boromir stared at Steve. "What are you?"

"A super soldier."

* * *

Boromir had been vaguely placated by Steve's answer, and the promise of a slightly better explanation at a later date. Mainly he was happy for the ally. They regained the trail of white rocks and followed them until they came to a tiny path, hidden in the mountains. And there, the elves appeared.

No questions were asked and Steve wondered how they knew they were coming. He didn't dwell on the matter too much. He was heading towards a warm bed and a hot meal. Even super soldiers liked some home comforts. Plus Boromir seemed comfortable so there apparently wasn't an issue.

That night they had a great feast, a meal fit for kings. Steve was seated between Boromir and an elf. He could see more elves and dwarves dotted around the hall and even some really, really short men with really hairy feet. He did intend to inquire about them but got caught up in a re-telling of their skirmish with the wargs. There was music and dancing, and drinking, and Steve didn't even remember walking back to his room that night. It was also the first time that Peggy Carter hadn't been haunting the back of his mind.

The next day he was summoned to the extremely important sounding Council of Elrond.

Once introductions had been sorted they launched into what would be a discussion of many important things, including the curious matter of Steve.

"He has some part to play in all this, although I know not what it is." Gandalf puffed his pipe. Steve was glad he had at least one supporter.

"I seek the Tesseract. It was taken from my... plane by Saruman, and stolen from him by another I do not know. But I do know the Tesseract is not something that can be taken lightly. It should be destroyed."

"What is the Tesseract?" 'Must be destroyed' set alarm bells ringing in Elrond's head.

"I do not know fully... but it created weapons. Amazing, dangerous weapons. And it caused so much destruction." Steve winced at the memory of the loss of Bucky.

Eyes widened in horror.

"If Sauron manages to find it..." The mutters were many but were soon quelled by a gesture from Lord Elrond. Apparently that thought was too disturbing to continue.

"How will you find this Tesseract? And how will you survive alone, in danger. I am sure you will have to fight to regain this... Tesseract."

"I do not know." Steve admitted. He had pretty much no idea where it could be. He didn't actually have much idea where he currently was if he was really honest. But that answered the first question.

"He is strong. And fast!" Boromir re-marvelled. "He can run along side a galloping horse, and rip apart a warg with his bare hands. I have seen it." Second question pretty effectively answered there.

"That is not natural." Elrond breathed. "How can this be!"

"I was made this way. Created to be the first of a generation of super soldiers, stronger and faster than an average man. I was transformed... from nothing."

"Saruman's wizadry." Gandalf muttered in disgust.

"No. Long before him, and nothing to do with magic. It was all science. Chemicals and machinery."

The audience looked a little dumbfounded. Chemicals and machinery were two fairly new words.

"H-" Steve knew that the rest of that question would roughly go along the lines of 'how can this be'. However their delightful conversation was interrupted by a hammer with a god attached falling out of the sky.

 **A/N: That seemed like a good place to end it XD reviews as always are treasured :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Is it bad that i still cry when loki dies in the dark world even though i know he doesn't actually.. Well... Die... and here we go :) more madness and fun and... THOR**

Thor stood there in all his godly glory, cape and hair blowing, golden skin gleaming, muscles sculpted to perfection. Arwen's eyes lit up slightly and a small, private smile crossed her face. Aragorn clenched his jaw angrily.

Everybody else stared in shock, at both the visitor and the large crack in the floor.

Thor was the first to break the silence. "I must speak to your leader. It is a matter of the gravest urgency."

All eyes turned to Lord Elrond who stopped staring at the floor in horror mixed with despair. "My name is Lord Elrond. You may speak to me."

Thor turned to face him, a grave look on his face. "I am Thor of Asgard and I came in search of my brother Loki and the Tesseract."

Steve perked up, Elrond noticing. This couldn't be a coincidence. Everything was far too closely intertwined.

"I found them, in the East, in a land surrounded by mountains and armies."

Elrond dropped his head in his hands. "He's allied with Sauron." Pretty much everyones' worst nightmare.

"Sauron?"

Before anyone could launch into a dramatic history lesson Steve stepped in with the shorter version. "Evil, world-dominating almost god thing."

Thor looked worried.

"What can you tell us about this Loki?" Elrond had to know what he was up against. If Loki was anything like Sauron then they were in trouble... at least they had a pretty good way of destroying Sauron.

"Loki is... powerful, a master of illusion and deception. We used to call him Silvertongue." Thor smiled slightly at the memories. "The last time I saw him he was falling into the Void. We thought he was dead..." At the looks of 'oh valar we are doomed' Thor added "He is not evil, but misguided. If I could talk to him, I'm sure I could convince him to come home" Ahhh brotherly denial.

Everyone wore identical expressions of 'really?'

* * *

 _ **Meanwhile in Mordor**_

Loki walked into the throne room and stood, rooted in shock. Sauron was sitting in the middle of his Twister, forging his Tesseract scythe in the flames.

The first thing he noticed was that there wasn't any crazy voice telling Sauron to hop spots. Loki clenched his jaw angrily "I thought there wasn't an off switch!"

"I lied." Sauron stated detachedly, far more interested in his violent-looking weapon, checking that the setting was the correct size for the Tesseract. "I had to see if you were strong enough to be my ally."

The more time he spent around him, the more Loki realised that Sauron was not only deranged, but intelligent enough to use it to his advantage. He had underestimated him, something which was dangerously easy to do.

"How is surviving Twister a good indication of whether I would be a good ally!"

Sauron shrugged and grinned a little guiltily. "It popped up and then... It just seemed like a good idea at the time."

Loki sighed in despair. Derangedness also inhibited decision making skills. Which was probably why Sauron was Lord of Attempted World Dominations instead of Lord of Middle Earth. "So... Why the change in weapon? I thought you liked maces?"

"Maces seem to be unlucky for me... So I decided on a scythe!" Sauron was turning back into his normal excitable self. "Reaper of souls!"

Loki closed his eyes in despair for a moment. "Good choice."

Sauron beamed at the praise. "Look! Its done!" He brandished the scythe enthusiastically. Loki twitched nervously, surprised he didn't get wiped out by blue fire.

* * *

Saruman paced his tower slightly nervously. His spies had told him that the Ring had reached Rivendell and that the Nazgul had been washed down the Bruinen.

Which was bad... because Sauron would be angry. And the Nazgul would return to him and tell him that Saruman had... mislead them a little. Just a little... he just lied about a few things.

Sauron was not known for being merciful, but that wouldn't have worried Saruman because Sauron was a deranged madman who he was just using for his own purposes.

However rumour had it that he had a new ally. Who was powerful and clever. Saruman was feeling a little unsafe in his skin now. His position was compromised.

* * *

The Fellowship had been formed. However much Elrond would have liked the poeticity of having nine fellowship members for the nine servants of the enemy, he went with giving them the extra help of a super soldier and foreign almost god thing. Also... Merry and Pippin refused to stay in Rivendell.

The night before they left, they decided to have another party, feast, thing. They had to honour their godly guest of course.

Their godly guest quickly got into the spirit of things once the mead started flowing. He was sitting with the dwarves, naturally.

He slammed his mug onto the floor "More!" He grinned, in high spirits. The dwarves around him roared with laughter, and poured him another. Their section of the feasting hall was getting rather rowdy.

"Now that is one big hammer!" A dwarf slurred. Thor didn't know his name. "I might have to steal it. Its bigger than mine and no-one has a hammer bigger than Frerin!"

Thor chuckled. "You wouldn't be able to lift it!"

"I am a dwarf! We are not weak! As strong as a thousand men!" Frerin was slurring and swaying slightly on his feet.

Thor plunked the hammer on the table. "Try it. Her name is Mjolnir and only those who are worthy can wield her!"

"Mew mew? A kitten waiting to be tamed." Their conversation had garnered great interest and much of the dwarven party was watching as Frerin grasped the handle and began to pull. They began to roar in laughter as the hammer refused to budge. Frerin's face got redder and redder as he tried harder and harder.

Eventually he collapsed to the floor. "The mead has weakened me!"

"Anyone else?" Thor was having the best time he'd had in a while, since the Bifrost had been destroyed and the kingdoms fell into choas.

Another merry dwarf stepped up to the challenge. Like Frerin before him, he failed. Miserably. He was the second in a fairly substantial amount of dwarves to do so.

Once they had all failed to prove themselves individually, they decided to make a team effort. By this point, Thor was almost cracking a rib and they had accrued a relatively large audience.

As many dwarves as possible grabbed the handle, standing on the benches, and the rest grabbed those dwarves. On a count of three they began to pull. Nothing happened for a second and then an ominous creaking filled the room.

The dwarves and Thor were oblivious, too caught up in the moment. The creaking turned to splintering. With an almighty crack, the table broke, and the dwarves experienced a split second of triumph as they brandished Mjolnir plus a large section of table.

Their triumph was extremely short-lived as Mjolnir the made a break for the nearest surface, the floor. The reuslt was a pile of dwarves and splintered table. That kind of ended the feast. Several of the guests were experiencing bouts of hysterical laughter, others extreme disapproval, and the rest bouts of hysterical laughter combined with pain.

The injured dwarves were hustled away to the healing rooms, protesting wildly while Thor pickedhis hammer up from the wreckage, was if it was a feather, and tried to remember the way back to his room.

He was joined by Gimli, who almost couldn't stand. "You my friend, should be a dwarf!" The fire-bearded dwarf slurred fantastically. "You are too tall though. You shall be an honourary dwarf." Thor wasn't really in a fit mental state to respond.

* * *

 _ **A few weeks later**_

The nazgul had finally returned and drifted up to the throne room in a daze. Sauron glared at them as they entered, just a little disappointed that they had failed. "What happened?" He growled threateningly. Unlike some people, he wasn't nicer when he was angry... he was just angry. He was a straightforward person and anger equals anger and quiet and reasonable is just that.

The nazgul just stared into space. "She is so pretty!"

"Who?"

"The pretty elf..." If the nazgul had been in the 21st century, most people would have said they were stoned.

"Elf?" Sauron gritted his teeth.

"She had a shiny sword..."

"Then she said come..."

"So we walked into the river..."

"And then it came down and we were washed away...

"She's so beautiful..."

The nazgul completed their story in short sentences, as one drifted off into a daze and another had to pick it up. Sauron clenched his fists angrily.

"You walked into a RIVER!" If anyone had tried to touch Sauron... they would have got some serious burns. He was literally spontaneously combusting in anger.

The nazgul nodded mutely.

"YOU RETARDED BLACK PANSIES! YOU USELESS PILES OF BLACK CARPET!" Sauron started violently throwing blue Tesseract pulses at them. Thankfully for the nazgul, having fireballs thrown at them was a fairly normal occurrence and they could dodge them in their sleep. Or more appropriate, and Arwen filled daydream.

Loki strolled into the room, nearly getting wiped out. "What...?"

"YOU WALKED INTO A RIVER! YOU DON'T DESERVE IMMORTALITY. I SHOULD THROW YOU IN MOUNT DOOM, SO VALAR HELP ME!" Loki's question was fairly well answered. He was also concerned that Sauron was accidentally going to open a doorway to the other side of space.

He took a perfectly sane course of action. He threw his sceptre at Sauron who leapt up and caught it in his still transforming werewolf jaws. The wolf then fixed Loki with burning eyes of anger and he felt just a tad unsafe. That was a downside of a deranged ally who turned into a werewolf, you never knew when they might decide to eat you.

Sauron refrained from eating him, dumping the sceptre at his feet and transforming back into his human form, looking a hell of a lot like he wished he had eaten him. "What do you think you are doing?" Man, he could growl well.

The nazgul chose this moment to tactfully slip out of the throne room.

"You might have killed them, and then you would have been upset and killed more servants trying to cheer yourself up with Twister." Loki pointed out, the voice of reason. Not something he was known for really.

Sauron glared for a moment longer before his shoulders slumped and his feet stopped smoking. "Still going to make them play Twister." He muttered.

* * *

The Fellowship had been travelling for a while. Forced away from the Gap of Rohan, which was unfortunately the shortest route, they were now forced to face Caradhras in the depths of winter.

Steve was not enjoying the cold. Thor didn't really seem to feel it. He was still walking round in his tight armour and pretty useless cloak. The cloaked looked cool, but it was actually pretty useless for keeping the cold out.

The hobbits were struggling in the deep snow, and preferred to walk in the footsteps of the three strong men when possible.

As they reached the top, they began to hear a fell voice on the wind, and storm clouds began to gather. Gandalf looked at the sky in concern but they continued to press on.

The storm intensified, the snow viciously attacking their eyes, and rocks falling off the cliff, narrowly missing the party.

"We can go no further!" Boromir voiced what several members of the party were thinking. "We must turn back!"

"No!" Gandalf protested. Going back equaled the mines of Moria and that was not a happy place.

Just then a hug avalanche was triggered and they were all buried under several feet of snow. The next few minutes were heart-stopping as they all scrambled their way out.

"This will be the death of the halflings!" Boromir roared, grasping Merry and Pippin, hevaing them out of the snow. "We must go back down the mountain!"

"We must find shelter!" Aragorn pointed out. Chances are in this storm, they weren't going to get back down the mountain. "But I have seen no shelter on this path better than the wall we are standing under." And they all knew how good this shelter was.

"Shelter! If this is a shelter then one wall and no roof make a house." Sam muttered plaintively, making Steve smile a little.

Just then Steve spotted it. A shape that brought back nightmares. A shape that would also provide them with shelter. It had been unveiled by the shifting winds and loomed like a great black shadow. "There! Head for it! It can provide us with shelter!"

It wasn't difficult to realise what Steve was referring to and the party, having no better ideas, began the longest 100 metre walk of their life.

The hobbits were thrown in first, suffering the most in this venture. The rest followed. Surprisingly little snow had entered the plane through the shatter windscreen and the interior was dry, if not warm. They didn't dare start a fire though. The space, which had once seemed large when it was just Steve, was now small and cramped.

"What is this place." Boromir murmured suspiciously.

"It is-" Steve was cut off by an ominous bang. He looked around nervously, as did everyone else.

Then the plane began to rock as more ominous bangs occurred. The hail stopped and everyone let out their breaths.

Then the sky outside plane began to move and they began to slide sideways. Off the side of Caradhras.

 **A/N: I ended up writing this on my phone in the middle if the night because... *drum roll* i changed my sheets and they feel so weird that i can't sleep :P good thing I didn't post it then because there were enough spelling mistakes for an army :P**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Here we go again... :) Please don't kill me... I've had.. issues with stuff ... and work experience... and i had to tidy my room... and i was away for a week... :) thx to my new favouriters and followers and reviewers who guilt tripped me into finishing this chapter :P**

 **HUGE NEWS! GRAB YOUR CREDIT CARDS (or your parents, I'm not fussy) AND DONATE TO REALISE MINAS TIRITH! A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ARE RAISING MONEY TO ACTUALLY BUILD MINAS TIRITH!** **www. indie gogo projects / realise -minas -tirith# /story**

 **Chapter 6**

Thank the gods Sauron wasn't hearing this. "Tell me all that again."

The nazgul quailed slightly, obviously expecting Loki to go all Sauron on them and burn them to death. He wasn't going to do that because, unlike Sauron, he was a reasonable soul. "We passed Isengard and though to consult Saruman as he is Master's ally. Saruman told us he knew nothing of the Shire, and suggested we should seek the wizard Gandalf." The leader of the nazgul took a deep breath and contined. "We rode on, meeting two of Saruman's thralls on the road. The first told us Gandalf had escaped from Orthanc and was headed to Edoras, also revealing that Saruman knew more than he claimed. That thrall also directed us to the Shire. We then met a second thrall, this one carrying detailed maps of the Shire, messages and plans, of Saruman's making."

Loki paced in annoyance. They had been betrayed. "Leave. I shall break this news to Sauron..." Oh joy. Wasn't he just looking forwards to that.

* * *

The fellowship were convinced that they were going to die in this plane. It literally bounced off every rock on the way down. They all got rather shaken up.

Somehow, it stayed intact for the duration of their descent. They only realised it had stopped moving when they were no longer being shaken like popcorn.

The groaning began simultaneously as they hauled themselves towards the broken window, crawling out and checking for bruises and breaks. The former was plentiful, the latter however, was thankfully absent.

The last one to exit the plane was Steve who grabbed as many Tesseract guns as he could physically attach to his body and then rose out of the shattered windscreen like some sort of avenging angel.

Boromir was the first to notice as everyone else was making sure that the hobbits weren't injured. "What are those?" He pointed suspiciously.

"Weapons of mass destruction." Steve was almost growing a sense of humour. "Made from the Tesseract. Like arrows but deadlier." Legolas looked offended.

That settled it. Sort of... Boromir still thought that Steve was still a little unshinged from the crash, he did have what looked like large lumps of metal strapped all over his body.

Thor however, eyed them interestedly, they were, compared to everything else both on this planet and Earth, very advanced.

"So... what do we do now?"

Gandalf looked super depressed. "The mountain has defeated us and the Gap of Rohan is being watched. There is only one other route."

"The Mines of Moria!" Gimli's eyes lit up in a scary way.

"Moria. Yes." If Steve hadn't known that Gandalf was an all-powerful wizard who was invincible he would have said he gulped in fear.

No one had any better suggestions so they began to follow the wizened old man Moria. Wasn't this going to be such fun. Dark caves which may or may not have some friendly dwarves and most definitely have an infestation of orcs. Odds of survival were low.

* * *

Loki tensed, waiting for the fireball that never quite materialised. "Why are you not blowing things up?"

Sauron shrugged. "I knew that he was always going to double-cross me. Its hard to hide when using the Palantir."

Made sense. Not. "So what are you going to do?"

"Ignore it. I need him to occupy Rohan for me." Once again Sauron's grasp of tactics surprised Loki. It shouldn't considering Sauron had become powerful enough to make a serious attmpt at world domination but it did.

"You are being surprisingly reasonable." As Sauron's burning eyes turned on him Loki decided that that may not have been such a good idea. It wasn't Sauron's power that scared him as such, but his unpredictability.

Thankfully Sauron just blinked like a somnolent lion and began to fiddle with his sceptre, his mind already on other things. "I managed to completely get rid of a section of my wall the other day. It just... wasn't there anymore. Not like it had vaporised... it was just gone."

Loki sighed. "Thats what the Tesseract does. It moves things across space and time. If you use it correctly."

Sauron cocked his head slightly "Space and time..." He murmured quietly, eyes shining with wonder. "It happens when I flick my wrist a certain way..."

He did exactly so, and a distant column exploded into rubble. "Not that way! Maybe, this way... left or right, that is the question."

As The Dark Lord wandered off to a slightly less strucutrally important area Loki realised that he had actually had a sane, non-explosion filled conversation with Sauron... that last bit didn't really count. Everything just kept getting weirder.

* * *

The group huddled round the shores of that ominous lake, shivering. Steve watched with sadness as Sam tearfully said goodbye to Bill the pony, reflecting on the fact that Bill was likely to end up as lunch for a warg pack. He wasn't going to tell Sam that though, that would just be mean.

Thor was much more intrigued as to what Gandalf was doing, muttering at a large slab of rock. If Thor hadn't got a (small, tinsy, puny, minute) knowledge of the more obscure sciences known as magic, he would have said that the old man was cracked. As it was, he already thought the old man was cracked, the weird rock stuff was just, surprisingly, not making the man seem any more cracked up. Although, it could just be argued that Gandalf had reached the maximum level of cracked-upedness.

One of the hobbits were throwing stones into the creepy lake, which only served to unnerve the company more. He was soon scolded by Gandalf who gave the lake a fearful glance.

And then all of a sudden the rock lit up in the light of the moon as he decided to very helpfully show his face. Gandalf's mutters became chants and the company began to set up camp. It could be a long night.

Steve was daydreaming about Peggy when Gandalf cried out in triumph "Mellon!"

The door opened with a large crack and then the shit hit the fan.

A large tentacle rose out of the lake and grabbed the Ringbearer. His anguished squeal alerted the rest of the company and they turned. Legolas and Steve were the first to react, drawing their weapons in tandem. Steve got the first shot though, much to Legolas' internal disappointment.

Unfortunately, being hit by Tesseract powered bolts of light did not make the Watcher very happy. It launched Frodo inot the air and went into full attack mode. Being a little more awesome than your regular octopus the Watcher also had A LOT more tentcles, bearing head-sized suckers.

Thor leapt into action, bearing Mjolnir aloft, and caught Frodo before he met his untimely end splattered across a rock. The rest were occupied by tentacles. Steve found Tesseract fire very effective, the beast roared in pain as he got a few shots down its gullet. This only served to make it angrier, along with the dismemeberment of its other tentacles via Boromir, Aragorn and Gimli. Legolas was turning the poor beast into a pincushion.

The tentacles began to lash out more violently, striking the cliff face and Gandalf realised what was going to happen. He began throwing everything, including the petrified hobbits who had been tossed around like teddy bears every time they attacked, into the mouth of Khazad-dum.

"Fall back to the Mines" He roared, the soldiers happily compliying. Thor threw his hammer into the Watcher's face as he retreated, receiving a glorious squelching sound. As his hammer settled back into his hnds, he briefly noticed that it was covered in goo.

Then he began running really fast because the door tried to collapse on him.

The enocunter ended in a cough and a splutter as the dust from the collapsing mountain settled, and the death trap of a surface beneath their feet cracked ominously. Gandalf got out his magic stone thing and his staff began to glow, emitting a nice source of light. Steve grabbed a torch out of the bag of useful things he'd also nabbed from the plane. It also had things like lighters, a med kit and extra tesseract gun rounds.

The light lit up what was once a grand entrance hall. "And they called it a mine. A mine!" Gimli laughed incredulously.

The source of the crunching soon became clear.

Hope drained out of Gimli's face as he surveyed the battleground.

"This is no mine. It's a tomb." Boromir murmured.

Whatever it was, it gave Steve the creeps and he was really glad for his torch.

* * *

Outside the dust settled as the poor Watcher sank into her pool groaning. Her poor poor tentacles, they'd been dismembered and destroyed and that nasty blue light had burnt her.

She had only been doing what she always had done. Protcting her home and her babies against nasty intruders. They were all the same to her. Elf, Dwarf, Goblin, Man. All a threat. They dug into her home, drained her lakes, and stole her metal. But she'd set her wonderful Bert on them and they were all gone now. They even called him Durin's Bane. She smiled happily, a most disturbing sight even when her teeth weren't burnt, broken and bleeding.

She managed a happy hum as she swam down dark passages to the deeps. Even injured the death of her enemies made her euphorically happy. but not as happy as the knowledge that one day her babies would rise up, the perfect combination of water and fire. Everyone would run and be eaten and killed and Middle-Earth would be theirs.

 **A/N: Sorry its short... i have a bit of writers block... and the last bit escalated a little and I really don't kow where to go from there :P**


	7. Chapter 7

**hi... my laptop died... i was feeling too lazy to write :P the watcher scared me.. my own brain scared me.. Anyway...thanks for all the reviews and new favs and follows :)**

 **this one is for kiya :)**

 **Chapter 7 (if i can count)**

They continued their monotonous journey, oblivious to anything that may have been occurring in the world outside the darkness. They had now got used to the scratchings and the chitterings, the lamp-like eyes that followed their every move.

They had been walking on what seemed like an upwards slope for a while now when they reached a great hall, full of tall pillars stretching into the darkness.

"This is awesome!" Steve said in wonder, eyes drinking it in. He had never seen such fine craftmanship. Thor strode beside him, feeling nostalgic. The throne room at Asgard had pillars like these. But even he had to admit that Moria was in its own league. The rest of the Fellowship were feeling similar levels of wonder at the great dwarf kingdom and Gimli looked like he had died and gone to heaven.

The he spotted a small set of doors, propped open by skeletons and ancient weapons. Gimli sprinted towards it, ignoring the shouts of his fellows behind him. In the centre of the room a channel of light streamed down to illuminate a tomb, with several dwarf skeletons strewn across the floor, having died in its defense.

Gimli cried out in horror. "Nooooooo! No." He mourned, with howly sobs of pain.

The rest of the fellowship caught up and approached the tomb, Gandalf slowly approaching it and reading the inscription quietly. "Here Lies Balin, Son of Fundin, Lord of Moria."

Well there went the hopes of receiving a hot meal any time soon.

"He is dead then, it is as I feared." Gandalf was experiencing deeper feelings of concern, while others were feeling some of Gimli's loss. This great dwarf kingdom, now empty and abandoned. What they wouldn't give to see it full of light and sound again, full of food and warmth... lots of food.

The warriors amongst them had already realised they might be staying there for a while, they weren't exactly going to be able to move Gimli and began scouting the room, looking for any other entrances and exits. The elf was the one to voice what they were all thinking. "We cannot linger here, we must move on."

Gandalf began to read from a dusty old book he had found clutched in the hands of a dead dwarf, handing his staff and hat to Pippin as he did so.

"They have taken the bridge, and the second hall." If there was one thing Gandalf did well, it was an ominous voice. Pippin looked around him worriedly and began to walk backwards, scanning the ceilings.

"We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long." Steve was having to stop himself from getting everybody else moving. The feeling of deep wrongness was starting to sink in. It wasn't helped by the presence of all those dead bodies.

"The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep." Pippin was getting seriously freaked out and looked as if he inended on walking backwards until he melted into the very rock itself.

"We cannot get out." The warriors among them were itching to leave. They couldn't stay here. "A shadow moves in the dark." Well, we're all going to have nightmares tonight, Steve thought internally, feeling the crushing weight of all the stone above them pushing in.

"We cannot get out... They are coming." Steve could only liken this feeling to that of watching a horror film. Gandalf shut the book with a heavy thump and then everything really started to go downhill.

Pippin leapt backwards and hit a skeleton sitting on top of a well. Said skeleton fell down the well.

The crashes of the long-dead armour-clad goblin reverberated throughout the kingdom, the echoes travelling into every nook and cranny. Pippin winced as each one reached his ears.

So much for staying under the radar.

The echoes died away and silence feel while everyone waited to be jumped on by a goblin. When this didn't happen after a minute they all let out their breaths.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf cursed. "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity."

Steve and Thor couldn't help but feel sorry for the little hobbit... he looked so upset.

Then the drums began and they suddenly felt a hell of a lot less sorry for him.

 _DOOM BOOM DOOM_

"Frodo!" Sam cried noticing that Sting was glowing. Frodo's eyes bugged. The screeching cries began.

"Orcs!" Legolas warned.

"Well done for stating the obvious." Steve muttered as they all began to take up battle stations. Boromir sprinted out into the corridor and almost received a couple of arrows to the head. He looked down the corridor, eyes widening and Aragorn ran to him, helping close and bar the doors.

Boromir faced them with wild eyes. "They have a cave troll."

Steve had no clue what a cave troll was, but he guessed it wasn't good.

The door began to shake as orcs pounded on them. Aragorn and Legolas readied their bows. Steve raised his tesseract guns in preparation.

The first orcs began to break holes in the door and Aragorn and Legolas reacted simultaneously, firing arrows into the gap, receiving screeches of pain as a result. As they drew new arrows Steve squeezed off several shots for more screeches.

It was fairly obvious the door wasn't going to hold for very long but the warriors were hoping they could destroy as many orcs as possible via holes in the process.

The troll took care of that. Their only warning was a large, enraged war and then the doors flew open and the beast entered flanked by the Moria orcs.

"What the…" Steve saw the hunched, cockroach like creatures and shuddered. Then shot the hell out of them.

The hobbits scattered when the troll headed for them, swinging its club ominously and it paused for a second unsure of which to go for.

Thor took advantage of this. "Over here, bilgesnipe!" The dumb beast looked at him and Thor span his hammer, building up speed. The troll lumbered towards him roaring, half-destroying Balin's tomb in the process.

Thor grinned as the beast reached him and roared defiantly at this puny little creature disturbing him. Then he let go of his hammer.

It span upwards and very effectively crushed the troll's skull. Poor troll didn't stand a chance.

Its huge body crashed to the floor, crushing its orc allies, dust rising in billowing clouds. Thor grinned as Mjolnir zoomed back into his grasp, taking the long route through some orcs while it was at it.

Everyone else felt relieved that the troll was dead but lacked the time to congratulate Thor on his victory as they were slightly occupied with protecting the hobbits from the remaining orcs.

Those however were easily dealt with and the battle was quickly over. The Fellowship decided that this would be a brilliant time to start legging it.

They rushed out of the room, seriously hoping that they had seen the last of the orcs. That hope was crushed as they sped down the path lined by those glorious columns. They were being accompanied by ever louder screeching.

Steve made the mistake of glancing upwards and saw orcs pouring out of the ceiling, swarming down the columns. He shouted a warning, then saw it was a little pointless. Orcs were approaching from the front as well.

Within seconds they were surrounded and the warriors formed a protective circle around the hobbits, weapons at the ready. The orcs chittered and screeched amongst themselves, hesitating o attack.

The respite was much welcomed, as the Fellowship were given an opportunity to regain their breaths before they died. For certain death was the only outcome they could see to this situation. They were outnumbered on an immense scale.

Then the most unexpected thing happened. The orcs began to shift uncomfortably as a red glow lit up the opposite end of the hall. Gimli yelled at the orcs and then they fled as a great rumble was heard from the direction of the glow.

"What is this new devilry?" Boromir questioned as the glow drew slowly closer.

Gandlaf considered for a moment eyes widening in horror as it clicked. "A balrog, a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you! Run!"

The Fellowship didn't need much encouragement and began to leg it. Again. They reached the end of the hall and nearly lost Boromir off a broken staircase.

"Quickly!" Gandalf urged. "Aragorn! Lead them on to the bridge, swords are of no more use here."

They wasted no time in hauling Boromir back and taking the alternative route the thinnest bridge they had ever seen.

Like the elves, dwarves seemed to have a blatant disregard for anything remotely resembling a handrail so descending the steep, crumbling stairs was rather tricky. Not made any easier by the orcs hiding in vantage points, shooting arrows at them.

Legolas and Aragorn shot arrows back, whilst Steve used up his Tesseract rounds and Thor sent his hammer spinning off wildly, causing death and destruction with every toss.

Whatever was following them was also causing its fair share of death and destruction and great pieces of the ceiling began to fall.

The Fellowship had almost reached the bridge when this caused them a little issue. A large chunk of rock hit the stairs in front of Legolas, who nimbly leapt its remains. The stairs began to crumble at an alarming rate and Boromir and Steve leapt the area with a hobbit each. Gandalf was next, leaving Thor, Gimli, Frodo, Sam and Aragorn.

Aragorn lifted Sam and tossed him over the newly created gap, reaching for Gimli next.

"Nobody tosses a dwarf!" Gimli protested loudly and Thor realised that they may end up with a miniature issue.

Before Gimli could protest further, he grabbed him and leapt the gap. As Gimli spluttered and glared in annoyance, only Aragorn and Frodo were left.

A rock hit the stairway behind them and they most definitely decided they had to get their asses into gear. As the section of stair they were balanced on began to topple, Aragorn grabbed Frodo and leapt the gap into the arms of Steve and Thor, who hauled the two up as if they were feathers.

Then the Fellowship began the final leg down to the stairs hardly able to believe that they weren't smushed pincushions on the floor below.

Gandalf stopped at the end of the bridge and ushered everyone across, bringing up the rear. "Over the bridge! Fly!" Thor started for a moment then realised Gandalf didn't literally mean 'fly'.

The entire maze of stairs they had just descended began to shake as Bert the balrog made his entrance.

Gandalf stopped halfway across the bridge and turned just in time for fire to flare up everywhere and the balrog to emerge, his burning whip lazily coiling through the air.

"What is that?" Steve hissed to Thor who shrugged his shoulders. They had crossed the bridge, and stopped under a large archway into yet another hallway.

"I'd say fire giant but it isn't human enough." Thor was practically drooling at the flames burning under the balrog's cracked skin and the smoky wings that rose into the air. "It'd make a great doorman."

Steve didn't even want to ask what a fire giant was... and ignored the last comment. Then he got distracted by the drama unfolding in front of them.

"You cannot not pass." Gandalf glared determinedly at the monster. Its reply was to stand up straighter and burn brighter. Obviously wasn't a very talkative guy.

Frodo suddenly realised Gandalf had not followed and turned with a cry "Gandalf!"

"I am the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor! The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!" A glowing globe of white light began to encircle Gandalf as the balrog drew a fiery sword. Aragorn leapt back towards the bridge, stopping when Gandalf shot him a 'come near me and I will kill you myself' glare.

Thor was apparently enjoying this battle far too much as he let out a yell of triumph when the Balrog's flaming sword shattered into a million sparks. That made the beast angry and it roared at Gandalf in defiance.

Gandalf raised his sword "You shall not pass!" He brought them down together, a shockwave of power forcing the balrog back slightly. The Fellowship waited, tensely to see what would happen. Thor took this opportunity to throw his hammer at Bert's head. He hated not being allowed to fight.

Unfortunately that just made Bert really angry. He narrowed his eyes before lunging at Gandalf in revenge. Only for the bridge to decide to crumble under his feet.

He began to fall into the depths and Thor let out a cheer. Gandalf slumped slightly, exhausted.

Then the whip lashed out as its master had one last attempt at destroying its enemy. It only caught Gandalf's ankle, but that was enough to pull him off balance. He scrabbled at the edge of the bridge and the Fellowship stared in shock.

"Fly you fools!" Then he dropped over the edge. Boromir had to catch Frdo before he launched himself over the edge after Gandalf and Steve and Thor began ushering everyone else out.

They emerged into the sun blinking and in despair.

Well that was fun.

 **A/N: More loki, sauron, wacther and other assorted bouts of madness next update :)**

 **As of Jan 2017 this has been put on hiatus until I can find time to write, and get a valid plan together for this. and maybe go back and improve some bits.**

 **Feb 2017. To the Sorting Hat (guest). I wrote this two years ago, please bear that in mind. Its a crossover and its in the parody section... its going to be OOC. And I can hardly put a Mary Sue warning on something with the grand total of 0 original characters and 0 OC's. So please** **back up your negative comments with some semblance of concrit so I can add that to the list of stuff I need to do. Thankyou.**


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